How to communicate better in Relationships

Becoming a better communicator is an art in itself and encompasses so many aspects that it is impossible to cover the whole topic in one article. So first we would like to bring your attention to the huge role that energy plays in communication. Being aware of energy in your communication opens up enormous potential for you to create much better, more effective, and most of all, more loving relationships.

We are all aware of ‘non-verbal communication’ such as the hand gestures, tone of voice and posture that accompany what we say to other people. Many of us also have a sense of what is going on ‘underneath the words’ in our relationships and might express it in terms of good or bad ‘vibes’ (for example: “there was a really bad vibe at that dinner party last night”).

However, it’s not always so easy to put your finger on what exactly is going on or why things happen the way they happen, especially when you wonder why things ‘went wrong’ and took a turn that you didn’t expect or that made you feel really uncomfortable.

And, while you might even be able to feel the ‘vibes’ underneath what another person says, you probably are not fully aware of what your own ‘vibes’ are doing when you are speaking.

There is so much going on in the subtle world of energy

As an illustration, think now about how you would say hello to your boss or a colleague and then compare that to how you would say exactly the same thing to your lover.

These totally different environments (work and home) and how you feel about the person you are saying hello to completely change how you say exactly the same word. So it’s the energy (or the vibes), that comes with the hello that makes all the difference.

Through learning about ‘energy patterns’ we begin to understand why things happen the way they did in our relationships: we become aware of the energy that is constantly moving while we speak with each other. This energy is really the ‘vibes’ that underlie what you say and make all the difference in how what you say is perceived and how your conversation will continue!

Once we become more aware of what is going on energetically during a conversation, we are able to change when it’s not going so well. It also allows us to put ourselves in a better energetic state in the first place and enjoy a much better conversation from the start.

Now, before you can learn how to use the energies you carry and transmit more skillfully, you first need to become more aware of them. Once you are more aware of what’s going on (and what you send out), then you can use your energy better, and reap the rewards of improved and effective communication and relationships.

Exercise: Playing with energy

One way you can increase your awareness is to play around with the energy you transmit as you say a simple phrase.

Here is an exercise, taken from our book Your Energy in Action! Energy Balancing for Daily Living, that you can do alone or, even better, with a friend. We will use the example of ‘giving advice’ as this is something we all love to do so much!

Think of someone you’d like to give some advice to; it doesn’t matter what, it can be big or small, profound or mundane. For the purpose of our example, we’ll use “You should buy a new car.”

Let’s use this simple phrase with slight variations and have different kinds of energy coming with it. I invite you to give the same advice in these three different ways using hand movements to really emphasize the different energies going out from you. In real life we don’t normally use our hands in these ways, but underneath our words we are using energy in exactly these ways!

1.    Offering

Hold your hands in front of your chest with the palms facing upwards. Now move them slowly forwards towards the (imaginary) person you are talking to whilst saying the words “You could buy a new car.” Take note of how you feel and, if you are working with a friend, notice how they react. You can also ask them how it felt.

2.    Pushing

Now again place your hands at chest height but this time with the palms facing away from you (as in the illustration below). Move them forwards away from your body with the words “You should buy a new car.” Notice how this feels to you and how your friend reacts.

3.    Forcing

Finally, make your right hand into a fist. Put it up near your ear and, as you say the words, “You have to buy a new car,” punch the air in front of you with your fist. How did that feel? How did it feel for your friend and how did they respond?

I imagine you noticed quite a difference in how each of these energies made you (and your friend feel)! Whenever we express ourselves to others, no matter what we are saying, we send energy out in ways similar to those above, and people react accordingly.

You can experiment with this today as you interact with people. As you engage in conversation with friends, colleagues and even strangers stay alert and notice:

• What is the energy that you transmit with the words you say?
• How does this energy impact the person you are speaking to?
• What is their reaction to your energy or to what you are saying?

You can even try changing the energy you transmit and see what difference it makes to how the other person reacts. As you become more skillful with energy your relationships will naturally improve and that has the potential to really change your life.

Also, if you are really into moving your relationships to the next level, our book, Your Energy in Action! Energy Balancing for Daily Living, offers a lot more about energy awareness and skills for relationships.